God, use me

i've come to realize that i'm very picky about what i put on this blog. i mean, there are some things that just shouldn't be there, but because i tend to be a private person, i won't put anything on here that i don't want people asking me about later.

there have been quite a few things that i have started to post and then haven't. i'm afraid that whatever i post, someone will call and ask me about it. i guess that's where a physical journal comes in. but then again, i'm scared someone will read that and find out how insecure i really am about some things. that's what it boils down to, really.

insecurity.

i'm scared i won't turn out to be a good teacher. i find my efforts toward being a good friend often miss the mark. i'm not the best daughter, sister, granddaughter. i don't have the best voice, the prettiest handwriting, the nicest car (still, as cars go, scooter's pretty nice-i love him). i'm not the best christian. sometimes, i don't even want to go to church.

but i have a lot. a whole lot. why is that not enough? why have i felt blue the past few days? why can i only dwell on my failures, the ones that i can no longer do anything about?

i don't have that answer. but a couple of days ago, i found a postcard that i had written a few weeks ago in our girls' small group. we had been studying the life and legacy of esther. and i'll be honest with you: i want to model my life-my spiritual life-after esther. the legacy that she left behind is beyond incredible. when we finished, we all wrote down ways that we wanted God to use us.

here's mine.

God, use me!

-use me-my personality, my passions-to draw others into a relationship with You.

-use me to heal hurts that plague many women today.

-use me as a positive role model for every age group.

-use me to bring my family closer to You.

-use my life as an encouragment to everyone that i have the privilege of knowing.

as i go over this, i'm tempted to be overwhelmed again with feelings of inadequacy. but i imagine this is what esther felt like. and as i've learned, it's in the hard situations that we see what God can really do.

finding and reading this postcard has put my insecurity in God's hands. there may be days that are tougher than others, but my priority is no longer myself. it's helping others. and allowing God to shine through my life, no matter how insufficient, will be a testimony for many.