in memory

there are very few posts that have not been written for you - the readers. (or reader, if i'm being more realistic.) but everyone once in a while, i write for me. i write to remember the things that have made my life great, the things that shaped me, and the things that have made me the person i am now.

last week i lost a person who had much more influence on my life than i ever realized until it was too late - my grandma.

mary isabel wells, or grandma as i knew her, passed away on wednesday, september 8th, from colon cancer. we found out she had cancer in february 2009, and initially the news was good-the doctor was able to get all the cancer out. but then it came back and began to spread. i was in denial for a long time. a few months after that prognosis, i went to visit her and it was apparent - my grandma was dying from cancer.

at first i felt overwhelming regret. we live 5 hours away from each other, and i knew that i had not visited near as often as i should. then as we realized that she didn't have much longer, i felt overwhelming sadness. i couldn't believe how fast everything was happening. when we were told that grandma had a month left, i tried to visit as much as i could, and loved the time that i spent with her. i found out that i was just like her. we apparently shared many personality traits. it was a comforting and sad thought at the same time.

grandma lived about 3 months past the time the doctors told us she would die. i feel as though those 3 months were a gift. toward the end, she was no longer the grandma i knew. the cancer had changed her mind and personality, and the pain affected everything she did. but she was still my grandma.

when i first got the call that she had passed away, my first reaction was surprise. even though i knew it would happen soon, it still took me off guard. i prayed until the very end that God would heal my grandma. He didn't answer my prayers the way i wanted Him too, but i know that His will is perfect.

the funeral time was hard. being in her house was hard. and leaving la grange, even though it wasn't for the last time, was harder still. it has been over a week, and my heart still hurts so much. i know that she isn't in any more pain. and i know that this deep well of grief that i find myself in won't last forever. but it doesn't take away from the fact that grandma is no longer here, no longer around to just sit around and talk with. i can't ask her for stories about my family, or call her up to ask for a recipe. i feel like i lost her right at the time that i was getting to know her.

but as i sit here, i realize that i still have the memories. i had one of the best grandmothers that anyone could ask for. she loved and spoiled me, and in my opinion, she was the most beautiful person i knew. as someone said, her influence will live long past her life. and it definitely will.

i love you, grandma. and i'll miss you always.